Angel Eira Lee Hansford

Angel Eira Lee Hansford
29/6/06
Sadly miscaried at 9 weeks + 3
Precious, most wanted & longed for baby of Lee Richard Hansford and Bethan Eira White. Dear sister to big brother Robbie and baby brother James.

Angels aunty Hayley also has a site on here http://catherine-hayley-white.gonetoosoon.co.uk/my_index.php

I had desperatly wanted another bay since I was 25. In sept 2005, four months before my 30th birthday I decided to come off the pill. I was over the moon to find out I was 4 weeks pregnant in May 2006. I had a feeling from day one that I was haveing a girl and felt that she would look the image of her Daddy with his dark hair. Years before when pregnant with her big brother Robbie I had been the same, felt that he was a boy from day one and would look the image of me. I was right, everyone says how much he looks like me.
I started to bleed at 5 weeks and had to go to the EPU. They took two lots of blood from me 48 hours apart and said my HCG was going up but not doubling. I went back for a scan at 7 weeks where they said she was measuring small for my dates, at 5-6 weeks, but non the less there was a heart beat and the bleeding had stopped so we were thrilled to know everything was "ok". We started making plans, thinking of names. I really liked the name Lilia but her Daddy, Lee wasn't keen on it and liked the names Jessica, Nicole and Jennifer, which I wasn't keen on, so I could tell it was going to be hard work deciding on a name we both liked. I found a pram I really liked and decided to get it and started crocheting pretty mattinee coats and bonnetts.
Almost a week later I started to bleed again. Then two weeks on I was still bleeding but it started to get a bit more and had gone from a peachy/pink colour to bright red. I went to see an out of hours doctor who booked me in for another scan in two days time. I got up the next morning 29/6/06 and went to the loo but when I wiped I was horrified to see loads of bright red blood with clots in it. I rang my GP who advised me to ring EPU they just said to ring an ambulance and go to hospital.
I will never forget lying on the bed in A&E and listening to two women in the opposite room arguing and thinking to myself, "I wish people would show some respect, here I am probably losing my baby and the last thing I want to listen to is people arguing."
I was finally taken up to the ward and examined, one doctor said my cervix was open another said it was closed, as I wasn't having pains I remained hopeful. They were going to scan me that afternoon to find out what was going on.
I kept wanting to go to the toilet and every time I did loads of blood was just pouring out from me. Lee hates hospitals so had to keep nipping out all the time. Bless him he was so brave that day.
I went to the toilet again at approx 2pm, on a bedpan the nurses kept bringing in for me. As I went to wipe I felt something slip out of me. When I looked there was large peachy/pink coloured odd looking "clot". I just knew deep down I had passed my baby and said to Lee "Omg, omg I'm sure that's the baby." Then I panicked and went into denyal I didn't want to believe she was gone so I placed the tissue on the bed pan and called the nurse. A doctor later came in and said he was pretty sure I had passed the "feotus" and that I would be scanned the next day.
The next day I was back in the same scan room I had been in 2 weeks before. The lady said "I'm sorry, your womb is empty" I just crumbled walking back to the ward, in th realisation my baby had gone.
I asked the nurse what had happened to my baby and she said she would be buried in a plot they have for miscarried babies. I asked if I would be allowed to take care of the burial arrangements myself, she said yes. I also asked if I could see my baby as I felt so guilty for dumping her on a bed pan. They advised me not to but I was insistent. I'm so glad I was now.
She was so tiny, about the size of my thumbnail, and although we couldn't make out her arms and legs or the sex, she was a racognisable baby. I could even see two tiny black dots, the size of pinheads, where her eyes had started to form. She was perfect and beautiful to me!
We decided to call her Angel Eira Lee. Angel as it seemed so fitting, Eira after my middle name and Lee after her Daddy as we wanted her to have something from both of us.
Three weeks later we had her funeral in St Michaels church, Cwmavon, Port Talbot. It was a lovely, quiet funeral. I had rquested that no one ware black as I thought it too harsh and morbid for a baby. The vicar read out the poem, "Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there I do not sleep!"
Then we went down to Margam cemetry where Angel was layed to rest. It was the most beautiful, hot summers day. The sun shone so brightly it was like the angels were all welcoming Angel home. I read a poem that I had written for her and everyone threw rose petals on to her coffin.
I carried her coffin into church and had her on my lap in the car going to the cemetry. It was the hardest thing in life I've ever had to do when I had to hand her over to the sexton and watch him place her in her final resting place. My knees went weak and I just about had the strength to stand.
In Nove 2006 I was at her grave when I looked up and seen two rainbows. I said to my friend I was sure it was Angel telling me I was pregnant again and that it would be ok this time. A couple of days later I seen two rainbows again and a couple of days later I seen a single rainbow. A week after that I found out I was pregnant. This time I was sure it was another boy and that he'd look like his Daddy, but with my colour hair and my fathers blue eyes. I had feeling my 12 week scan would land on Angels EDD, and sure enough it did, on 29/1/07. Angels way of saying she was with us and looking after her baby brother.
On 19/7/07 James Lee Gwyn Hansford was born 4 weeks early after a difficult pregnancy. I'm sure I felt Angel there with me whilst I was in labour, telling it was going to be ok. And sure enough I had been right again, James is the image of Lee, with my colour hair and my fathers blue eyes. I was right with Robbie and James so surely I must have been right with Angel? Whenever I think of her for some reason I always picture her about 7 yrs old with long hair just past her shoulders and it's very dark just like her Daddys.
She is a very special little girl who we love and miss dearly. Even though I have Robbie and James, there is still a gaping hole where Angel should have been!


I would just like to take this oppertunity to tell you of a wonderful forum I joined after I lost Angel, called Babyloss. It is an online support group for those affected by the loss of a baby wether it be during pregnancy, birth or just after. If it were not for the the wonderful, caring support of the very special people there, during my grief, trying to conceive again after Angels loss and the difficult, complicated pregnancy with James that followed I would not have got through the past year! I would recomend this site to anyone needing to chat to other Mums and Dads who understand what they are going through.
I would also like to thank all the lovely people at Babyloss for all the support I have received and continue to receive.

http://p081.ezboard.com/bbabyloss.html?


Thank you to everyone who has lit a candle for Angel or left a message. It is very comforting to know my little girl, no matter how briefe her life on earth, is remembered, and very much appreciated! xxx


Poems


The poem I wrote and read out at your funeral.

Ode to my lost baby

In loving memory of
Angel Eira Lee
Went to heaven 29/6/06


No first breath,
No first cry.
No first gurgle,
No first smile.

I’m sitting here and thinking,
Of all the things you’ll never do.
Because God wanted a beautiful rose,
And he decided to choose you!

He took you up to heaven,
And placed a halo on your head.
Too beautiful to live in this world,
An angel you must be instead.

I only had you for a very short time,
Growing in my tummy.
Though it hurts like hell to lose you,
I’m glad God chose me to be your Mummy.

I’ll love you till the end of time,
And think of you each day.
Kisses and cuddles I’ll send to heaven,
Their all ready on their way.

When my time on earth is up,
We’ll meet again I know.
But until then, my heart will break,
And I will miss you so.

By Beth White


The poem I wrote for your EDD

Today’s the day you should have been born,
But you were born far too soon.
For you were too small and tiny,
To live out side my womb!

No congratulations cards,
We will receive today.
No first sweet baby’s cry we’ll hear,
Or upon my chest your head will lay.

Instead we’ll place pretty flowers,
At your grave side with such love!
A balloon we’ll send up to heaven,
With kisses and a hug!

The months they pass so quickly,
It seems like everyone has moved on.
They think that we are over it too,
They couldn’t be more wrong!

Our hearts, they broke too much to fix,
We will never be the same.
Oh the tears we’ve cried and questions why,
Since that day an angel whispered your sweet name.

A tiny little flower bud,
Lent to us not given!
God only, knows the reason why,
You must bloom in heaven.
By Beth White


Another poem I wrote for Angel.

Here in Heaven

Mammy I know you miss me,
And that you love me so!
But I’m so happy here in Heaven,
More than you could ever know.

The birds, they sing the sweetest song,
The flowers bloom so bright.
It’s so beautiful here in Heaven,
Please Mammy, know that I’m alright!

I haven’t gone forever,
Nor am I far away.
For Heaven is like a windowed room,
Where I can watch and hear all you say!

Please Mammy don’t miss me so much,
For I am close to you!
I know you send me hugs and kisses,
But I also send them too!

When the wind blows leaves from the trees,
That brush against your face.
That is a gentle kiss from me,
Can you feel my warm embrace?

And when you see a crescent moon so bright,
It’s my smile lighting the night sky!
Mammy, look closely at the shooting stars,
I’m an angel here in heaven, can you see me fly?

By Beth White


A poem I found on the net, it's so sweet. Aon't know who wrote it.

An Angel Never Dies


Don’t let them say I wasn’t born, that something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold, it doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me, God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do, another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air, or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”…An Angel Never Dies.